Utah Marriage Matters

Being in love is exciting and wonderful, and for some people it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of romance and spending more time planning a wedding instead of planning for a marriage. Before deciding to tie the knot, consider these tips to creating a more happily ever after.

1. Am I ready? The happiest relationships are built on a foundation of two happy and healthy people that are ready to take on the challenges of a new life together. Individuals that are ready to be in a long-term relationship have dealt with their own personal challenges and issues and are not looking for someone to make them happy or to “fix” them in some way (or vice versa!). 
2. It takes time. In order to really get to know someone, it takes talking (mutual self-disclosure) + being together (in a variety of situations) + time (at least 90 days) (Van Epp, 2007). Because we are usually on our best behavior when we first meet and it takes time for patterns of behavior to emerge, this is a process that can’t be rushed, even if you spend a lot of time together!  
3. Be extra cautious in long-distance relationships. While online dating is a common way to meet people, steer clear of commitment without spending lots of time in person in many different situations. It is easier to show only our best selves in long distance relationships. 
4. Play detective. Ask deep and meaningful questions that will help you to know if you are compatible with the person you are dating. For example, check out these 10 Questions to Ask Before Saying I Do (Click reference) To make sure we aren’t biased about how we are viewing the person we are dating, it may also be helpful to think about how others might view them, or even ask others about their opinions and listen for warning signs you may have missed. 
5. Becoming part of the family. Much of who we are we learned growing up in our family so we can learn a lot about what someone will be like as a partner and parent from observing, asking questions, and spending time with their family. If there are concerns about a partner’s family or traits that a partner has learned from their family, we may want to think twice before getting too serious with them. While change is possible, it takes time and effort; and it is much easier to change before getting in a serious relationship.
6. Personality compatibility. While we probably won’t have everything in common with our partner, happy relationships often have many of these traits in common: emotional temperament, sense of humor, intelligence, energy levels, similar recreation interests, and how affection is expressed. 
7. Values. Some of the biggest arguments in relationships relate to those things we value most because we have strong feelings and opinions about them. Having similarities in how religious/spiritual you are, having common financial views and goals, and having similar views about family life are all major factors in lasting relationship satisfaction.
8. Daily life compatibility. While it may not be romantic, the truth is that most of the time we spend with someone in a long-term relationship will be in the everyday routine of life. Consider:  who will earn and manage the money? How will household responsibilities be divided? How will free time be spent? The answers to these questions can be crucial to the happiness of relationships.  
9. Conflict resolution. Because we are all different, conflict is inevitable in even the happiest of relationships. When handled in a positive manner, overcoming conflict can strengthen relationships. Having a conflict plan in place can be helpful. Begin by setting the ground rules, such as choosing when and where to deal with conflict and remember to practice good listening and communication skills.  
10. Plan now to keep your relationship strong. Just like cars, relationships need regular preventative maintenance in order to run smoothly and prevent problems. Research suggests that relationship education (such as attending a class or reading a relationship book together, etc.) can help relationships to stay strong. What will you do as a couple to keep your relationship strong? 

For more information and class schedules on relationships, visit Healthy Relationships Utah

References:

Brower, N. & Washburn, C. (2015). Dating survival. Logan, UT: Utah State University. Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. McGraw Hill: New York.

Research by Naomi Brower

Have you ever been around those negative people that tend to be mean under the guise of just trying to “help” by giving “constructive criticism?” I’ve witnessed a few circumstances recently that have made my mouth drop. I’m sure most people have good intentions but perhaps they may not think before they speak. While I think there are times to share information that can be difficult in order to help them (negative feedback), I don’t think there’s anything helpful about criticism (usually intended to attack, blame or hurt others). So, before you decide to share negative feedback with someone consider the following:

• Examine your intent.Consider why you want to give this feedback. Unless your intent is to help the other person or improve the situation, it may be best to keep your thoughts to yourself. 
• Consider your relationship.Do you have an understanding/agreement with the other person that would allow you to share negative feedback without damaging the relationship? There are some relationships where giving feedback is implied such as a supervisor or parent, but that doesn’t necessarily give us free reign to tell everyone what is on our minds. If you aren’t sure, ask if it’s okay to share feedback. If the other person isn’t open to it, he/she will most likely not listen and it may make things worse. If they are open to feedback, asking is a sign of respect and they may be more likely to be open and ready to receive feedback.  
• Find the right time.If you decide it is appropriate and important enough to share feedback, select an appropriate time and place where you can be alone with the other person and give full attention to the conversation.  
• Share feedback assertively.Stay calm, make eye contact, maintain an open body posture, use statements that begin with “I,” and be direct and respectful.
• Check out misunderstandings.Before confronting someone, make sure to check that there has been no misunderstanding. This gives you the chance to back down gracefully if the mistake is your own, and it gives the other person the chance to apologize if the mistake is his or her own.
• Focus on one issue at a time.Be prepared to give details and examples. Focus on the behavior and not the person. 
• Use the “sandwich” technique. While everyone has weakness we also have strengths. In order to reduce defensiveness, “sandwich” the negative feedback between two positive messages when possible. 
• Provide ideas, alternatives or solutions.Just telling someone that what they do is annoying doesn’t help them to know how to improve the situation. If they knew what to do, perhaps they would be doing it. 
• Be prepared for feedback.When we share feedback with others, sometimes they may act defensively and other times they may have valid feedback for us. Keep calm, listen respectfully without interrupting, and show that you are trying to understand by rephrasing what they say to make sure that you received the message they were trying to convey. 

While giving or receiving negative feedback can be difficult, when used as an effort to help someone or improve a situation, it can be a very beneficial tool to strengthen relationships.  

For more information about how to effectively communicate with others see:
http://extension.usu.edu/files/publications/publication/FC_Relationships_2012-01pr.pdf

Naomi Brower

What in your life makes you say, “this is the real me”?  What gives you energy, that you do when you are at your best and would do for its own sake? This is probably a strength for you. Research says that using it more can help you in a multitude of ways, including building confidence and resilience, producing positive emotions, and protecting against mental illness.  In a word, they can help you flourish.

Everyone has strengths. It’s just a matter of identifying and figuring out how to use them in daily life.  Using your strengths will set up a “virtuous cycle” of performing well, triggering positive emotions, and overcoming the natural negativity bias of your mind – which leads to more success, and the positive spiral upward continues.

Start discovering and activating your strengths with these tips:

1. Make a List:  Begin writing a list of positive personal qualities (e.g. humility) and performance strengths/talents (e.g. organization) you can see in yourself.  Include things you’re naturally good at (e.g. cooking or showing empathy) and ask friends and family what they see as strengths in you.  For a rewarding, research-based boost, complete the free VIA Character Strengths Questionnaire at www.viasurvey.org.
2. Reflect and Act: Every day for a week, consider one of your strengths and reflect on how it might help you at work, with a personal challenge, etc.  Write what your strength is and how you plan to use it that day.*  You might also imagine other ways to use your strengths that will help you be motivated and feel like your true, best self.  
3. Look Forward: Spend some time each day writing about what your ideal future life (relationships, career, health, etc.) would look like. Include as much detail as possible. * Identify a few helpful goals then choose one.  Write through your thoughts about how one of your strengths can help you reach that goal and plan a few small steps in that direction, applying the chosen strength.    

Becoming familiar with your strengths can give you tools to overcome challenges, enhance the positives in life, and help you feel authentic and energized.  You already have strengths; now is the time to use them to engage more fully with your life!

* Based on the “Use Your Strengths” and “Best Possible Self” practices found at https://ggia.berkeley.edu.

Reference

Akhtar, M. (2018).  Positive Psychology for Overcoming Depression. London, United Kingdom: Watkins Publishing.

Research by: Kayla Clawson Alva

Kids are spending more time with screen media than ever before, and at younger ages. In addition, summer often provides more access and time for electronic use. While technology can provide educational opportunities, help us connect with others, and promote creativity (think digital art), it is also important to help youth to set boundaries on their technology use. Consider the following tips for managing technology with kids.  

Limit screen use.The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and World Health Organization (WHO) have provided guidelines to help families curb kid’s screen use to ensure plenty of time for active, rather than sedentary activities and interacting with others. While these guidelines suggest that children under one should not have any screen time and those under five should not spend more than one hour watching screens each day, there really isn’t a magic number for screen use in general that fits every family. What appears to be more important is that it is high quality, age appropriate media, and parental engagement in what is being viewed.  

Some screen time is better than others.While not all media needs to be “educational,” you can maximize your child’s screen time by helping them to find media that helps them think critically, develop their creativity through creating new content (i.e. songs, art, etc.) or helps them connect with the larger world in related offline activities. 

Screen time shouldn’t always be alone time.Watching and playing together can help to increase social interactions, learning, and bonding. 

Create tech-free zones.Keep family mealtimes and other social and family gatherings screen-free in order to build social bonds and engage in two-way conversation. Because electronics can be a potential distraction after bedtime, consider having an inaccessible place to charge electronics at night, or download apps that disable the device at bedtime to remove temptation from using screens at night.

Warn children about the importance of privacy and dangers of predators.Teens need to know that once content is electronically shared they will not be able to remove or delete it completely. Teach youth about privacy settings and be sure to monitor their activity to keep them safe. 

Be a good role model.Children are great mimics, so be sure to limit your own media use. 

Media and digital devices are an integrated part of our society today. They can be a wonderful resource in a variety of ways, but they can never replace the benefits of face-to-face interactions and learning. By utilizing these tips, you can help youth reap the benefit of these wonderful resources while keeping the benefits of personal interactions and learning at the forefront of youth experiences.  

References

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/

https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/news-features-and-safety-tips/Pages/Children-and-Media-Tips.aspx